For When You Can’t Stop Being Pissed at Your Loved One Who’s Passed

Yes. Yes yes yes. You’re angry. And maybe you’re surprised by that (especially if you had a mostly harmonious relationship with the person you’ve lost). But you are, and I’m here to tell you that it’s a very normal part of grieving.

You might be angry for any number of reasons–the way they left you, something unresolved, or even for a reason you can’t put your finger on.

But what the F are you supposed to do about it? They’re not here to be the receiver of your rage.

I’m going to ask you to do something that might feel totally foreign to you. I’m going to ask you to write about it. Now, you might be having an immediate “no” reaction, especially if something like journaling is not already in your wheelhouse.

But bare with me–there’s a lot of research to show that writing can be healing. It has to do with the intentionality and presence of the act, the way that you have to confront the narratives you’re telling yourself, and the way it can bring insight. You already feel shitty–journaling is unlikely to make you feel worse…so why not give it a try?

1. Find Your Moment: Ideally it happens in the moment of your anger. But it can also be when you actually have a bit of free time. Usually, if you summon the anger again, it will come.
2. Set Up: Grab your phone and open your notes app or take out a journal and a pen. Basically, you can “journal” however is easiest for you. You could even dictate into your phone.
3. Tune Into Your Body: This may be the most important part. Before you start writing, take a few deep breaths. Feel where the anger lives in your body. Is it a tightness in your chest? A heaviness in your shoulders?
4. Describe the Anger: If this anger had a color, what would it be? If it had a temperature or a shape, what would those be? Start writing down these descriptions.
5. Ask Questions: Now, ask your anger some questions. Why is it here? What’s it trying to tell you? Write down anything that comes up.
6. Check-in with Changes: As you write, pause and notice your body again. Has the emotion shifted? Researchers say that emotions often last just a few seconds or minutes before they start to change.
7. Explore the Stories and Narratives: What stories are you telling yourself about this anger? Maybe it’s tied to specific memories or incidents. Write these down.
8. Consider Writing to Your Loved One: Sometimes, addressing your loved one directly in your writing can be powerful. Express everything you wish you could say to them.
9. Notice Desired Actions: What is this anger urging you to do? Maybe there are things you want to avoid or impulsive decisions you’re tempted to make. Write about them.
10. Make this a Practice: Anger may be a visitor that comes back often. The more you get to know your anger, and accept it without judgment, the easier it will be to manage over time.

A Shortcut: If all of this feels too overwhelming, start small. Even acknowledging the presence of anger is a step forward. A simple mental note, “I see you, anger. You’re valid,” can be a good start.

Dealing with anger in grief is about understanding, not eliminating, the emotion. In grief, every emotion, including anger, has its purpose. It’s a process of exploring, accepting, and learning from it. By taking these steps, you’re not just confronting your anger; you’re giving it a shape and a voice. This process can lead to deeper insights into both your grief and your relationship with your lost loved one.